This is a transcript from a heated, raw and brutally honest conversation I had with God quite a few years ago. I didn’t realize how angry I was (and had been since childhood) until it unexpectedly came out in this session. I didn’t even know I was angry with God, to be honest. I guess I never allowed myself to feel it or express it.
At the time of this session, my then-boyfriend, like most of the boyfriends before him, had cheated on me, and while we weren’t together anymore at the time of this conversation, our breakup was still fresh and I was still sweeping up the dust from my newly shattered heart (again).
I wasn’t lying in my “About” page when I said sometimes God and I have knock-down, drag-out fights. But I’ve come to know that no matter how many tantrums I have, He loves me – and all His children – no matter how mean or ugly we get. He sees through all that and remains the calm, unconditionally loving and strong presence in my life even when I’m lashing F-bombs at him!
This particular session happened one early morning when I sat down to write in my journal. I had cried myself to sleep the night before, remembering the pain of my ex’s betrayal and wondering why I was stuck in this relationship pattern, mate after mate. Before I could write, I felt His presence, and my hand moved itself to write these first words. I didn’t know what I was writing until the ink showed up on paper.
As with all my Godversations (God + Conversations) published on this site, I’ve placed a gray box around the words that flowed through me to differentiate those from my own.
My hope is that by sharing my own vulnerable expressions of rage and anger toward God, that you can come to know that it’s okay to be angry at Him. We don’t have to deny, soften or sugarcoat our feelings toward Him. In fact, if God wants anything from us, it’s our unconditional honesty. Because He loves us unconditionally, why wouldn’t He love our rage too? While we may judge ourselves for feeling those so-called ugly feelings, He does not. And He wants nothing more from us than to love ourselves – ugly feelings and all – unconditionally.
Many of us hide our disappointment and anger toward God because we’re ashamed or afraid. We’re afraid He’ll strike down at us or we’re ashamed that He’s given us so much, how dare we be angry? We feel like spoiled children. We’re taught to love Him in all His ways and yet, when something terrible happens in our lives, we struggle to love a God who allows such things to happen. And we dare not express it. So it builds, lurking underneath all our happy moments, growing like a cancerous tumor, unresolved pain… until the next time something happens.
My hope is that you can forgive yourself for having felt this in the past, love yourself for ever feeling it again in the future, and learn to be kind to yourself in the present – no matter what.
Here’s the transcript of our conversation.
Do you know that I love you? I will never leave nor forsake you.
Bullshit. You’ve left and forsaken me before.
Where do I start? Last night, last month, last year. How about when I was little. Terrified of dad. Of life. We moved to a new country every 3-4 years. I was terrified always of that first day at school, not knowing anyone, not even knowing how to find the classroom or the bathroom. The halls were so wide, the kids were apathetic, the teachers were busy. No one bothered to ask me how I’m doing or if I needed any help. No one was there for me.
I was there.
Where? I didn’t see or feel you.
Everywhere. With you. Always.
Yep. You are here now, aren’t you? If I left you, you wouldn’t be here now.
I’m here because I fought my way here. I struggled and clawed my way. I controlled and willed and manipulated my way here. I feel like my whole life has been one big struggle to arrive. To get to a place of happiness. No, I take that back. Not arrive… but survive! Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. I’VE done this. I’VE withstood the storms. I’VE gotten myself here, bruised and bleeding and raw, but I’m here. No thanks to you. You were nowhere to be found.
What about the penny in the parking garage you found that day in Florida when you were 20, after it was announced at work that the company was closing down and you were worried about finding a new job in time to pay your rent. Who made you look down in that exact moment the penny was by your foot? Who made you notice the words, for the first time in your life, engraved on the penny, “In God We Trust”?
What about the bird that greeted you in the traffic light every day as you went out interviewing for new jobs. Who made you look up at the light? Who made you notice that it was the same bird, every day, no matter which route you took, waiting for you, and that the moment you drove under, it would fly away? Most people wouldn’t notice that, they’d mark it up to coincidence. But you knew there was something special about those encounters. You were tuning in to me and my signs without even knowing it. Who helped you with that?
What about the time you were 21 and lying in the sand at the beach, having just arrived in California, depressed and begging me to let the sand swallow you up and suddenly you felt the warmth of the sun penetrate and embrace your body and face, and you felt comforted?
What about the voice that told you to keep a spare car key in the small interior zippered compartment of your purse, that months later you would use to get away from the gang of guys in the pool hall after hours, who took your car key and tossed it back and forth to each other in a devious game of catch, keeping it away from you, while you jumped for your life trying to get it? What about the voice that then instructed you exactly the moment to run for the door, the exact moment they turned their attention, and use your spare key to get away? Do you know what would’ve happened if you didn’t hear that voice? You would not be the same person today.
What about the time you snuck out of the house when you were 14 years old and went nightclubbing in Glyfada Square in Greece and all your friends left you and you were walking the streets trying to find your way to safety? What about the instinct that showed you exactly where to run and hide behind the industrial trash cans in the apartment building across the street when the guy in the car pulled up to give you a ride? What about the instinct that told you not to get in the car with him? What about the instinct in him to finally give up looking for you after chasing you for 15 minutes and leave?
What about all the times you remember and don’t remember?
But why – why even let any danger get near me? Why put me in those potentially dangerous situations only to help me out of them? Why not just avoid those situations altogether?
We did that many times too – avoided bad situations. Because we avoided them, you didn’t even know about the possibilities of what could’ve happened. Do you know how many infinitely more “bad” situations you would’ve been in if I wasn’t there? You have the luxury of not ever knowing about these experiences BECAUSE I was there. Those times you decided to turn right instead of left, left the house 5 minutes late because you couldn’t find your purse, missed that plane, accepted or rejected a social invitation, went to the beach instead of the park, and on and on. We avoided countless potentially painful situations when we could.
But it was YOUR choice to lie to your dad and sneak out to the nightclubs. It was YOUR choice to accept the invitation of the pool hall owner to stay after it closed. It was YOUR choice to put yourself in these potentially dangerous situations.
Was it my choice to be born to a drunken father who constantly cheated on my mom causing me to repeat the cheating cycle in relationships?
Yes, it was.
But I was too young in Greece to know any better. And I don’t remember choosing dad. If it was before I was born, how can I remember? It’s not my fault.
You are right. It’s not your “fault”. There is no fault because no wrong has been done. There’s nothing wrong to be “at fault” about.
But it feels wrong. My life felt so difficult growing up, even into my early forties. That can’t be right. Why couldn’t it have been easier for me, especially when I was a little girl?
It was and is as difficult as you make it and believe it to be. You CHOSE it all. You chose the level of difficulty. You chose to believe you had been forsaken.
I WAS forsaken! That’s not a belief, it’s a FACT!
You can believe that if you want. You can choose to believe anything you want, even if that makes you hate me. Just because you believe something, doesn’t make it true. Just because you think or feel something, doesn’t make it true either. Your beliefs, thoughts and feelings are nothing more than a manifestation of the cloak you wear, that illusion of the personal self. The false self, the ego, the I that you call yourself. That’s nothing more than a belief that you choose to pretend is real. But no matter what you choose to believe, the truth remains the same. I love you deeply. And I am, was and will always be with you, through you, in you and around you. And on your side.
Bullshit! I don’t believe it!
You’re not listening to what I’m saying about your beliefs. That’s your free will not to listen or believe, so let me ask you a question since you are temporarily stuck believing your beliefs.
What if you DO believe it? What if you DO believe that I am, was and will always be with you, through, in and around you. What if you do believe that I’m on your side. What if you do believe that I never left you nor forsake you?
What if you do believe that I love you, deeply.
Before you answer, take a breath, pause for a moment, and then write.
Then I would die.
What? That doesn’t make any sense, I don’t know what I’m writing. It’s just what came out.
It’s okay. Just write whatever comes out, no filters. Whether it makes sense or not. Just write… go.
Okay. Then I would die. The part of me that came alive and took over control of my life, the one who stepped in when you were nowhere to be found, the one who clawed her way through life to survive… this me would die. She would no longer be needed. She would realize that she was never needed, that there was another way to survive. A less “fighting” way. She would realize she was wrong.
No, she was NOT wrong! She fought for me. She fought for survival, fought to get us out of and through incredibly difficult situations. She was my friend, my ally, my savior. YOU were gone. SHE stepped in and saved me. I love her. I owe her.
Yes, yes. I love her too.
Fuck you! You don’t get to love her! You left me AND her! You abandoned us!
Don’t you feel that it’s time to let that anger go? You don’t have to carry the cross anymore. You can let it go. You can put it down. You can rest.
As soon as I put it down, I will be hung on it.
Maybe. But no harm will come to you. No harm ever came to you.
But my body is bleeding. My heart is broken in pieces.
Folly, you fool. Illusions. It’s all an illusion. Make-believe. Pretend. You are an eternal soul, a being of immense power, infinite immortality. Just because your body bleeds, doesn’t mean you do. You’ve gotten lost in the fallacy of this human illusion, believing it to be real and true and all that is.
Letting go of your anger, your blame, your cross, is letting go of the belief in that illusion.
Just let it go. I don’t live in the illusion with you. I live in the real world, the Kingdom, the only true world. And so do you.
Shed the cloak of human being. It is nothing but a layer of clothing. Sooner or later, you will take off your human cloak like you take off your jacket at the end of the day.
When you cling tightly to the illusion of humanity, your palm is not open to receiving the truth. Open your palm. Let go of what you’re clinging tightly to. Your firm beliefs. Your ego. Control. Resistance. Open your hand. Let go.
Don’t worry, it’s not going anywhere. Just let go. LET infinity flow. Let YOU flow. Let Go(d). Let me. Let.
You have suffered enough. How much longer will you use your free will to suffer? Why don’t you use your free will to play. Enjoy. Love. Be light.
Perhaps this is a better use for the gift of free will that I gave you.
But no matter what you do with your free will – love or hate me – I love you.
LET me love you. LET yourself know my love for you. You have punished yourself long enough. Now it’s time to LET GO of your cross.